Hockey Players Play Paintball

So Mark Dylo has a baby shower, and in typical Alien Hockey fashion, the guys decide to go off and celebrate this momentous occasion with a friendly game of paintball. Rather than go play hockey, or watch the playoffs (oh yeah, the Blackhawks already won the Cup), we thought some team bonding through the use of weapons was a good idea.

We arrive to the field to check in our group as Mark has reserved a private field for us. After a few minutes of negotiating, Mark decides its better to not play on our own field but rather join the other players that are already there and mix our forces with theirs. This becomes the equivalent of being placed in general population at a prison. As Brendan buttons up his collared shirt and Bast adjusts his Crocs to make them a bit tighter, the players NOT in our group polish their Bob Long M-Tac Stage 2 Tactical Paintball Markers (the equivalent of the Bauer Vapor TotalOne Skate) as we take the standard grade rental guns and one-size fits most masks to the field.

Game one has our group broken up, and as I make the long climb up the hill with Bishop of the side we will defend, Bishop says "we've got this". Famous last words. The ref blows the whistle to begin play and our job is simple. We basically stand guard at the top of this hill spraying paint down below as the other team tries to advance a basketball from one laundry basket to another (don't ask). One by one, our guys behind a completely secure barrier get plugged off and all the shots come from behind us...courtesy of none other than Matt Johnson who failed to hear the rule that the other team cannot come up there. According to Johnson, "there are no rules in war".

After the slaughter, we go back to base to reload and rethink strategy prior to the next battle. Knipper begins showing off one of his many to come splat wounds. This one is a neck shot that any military person would be proud of. Haynes brings his buddies which ended up being a good thing since Haynes decided to bring his hockey stick to the paintball field and never really quite got the concept of what we were trying to accomplish.

As the games go on and we realize that running full speed through grass and mud is not the best idea, but we still have a good time. Nate's green shirt (oh no, not camo green but rather a bright lime green) was probably the best uniform. Shane, who is as mobile on the paintball field as he is in the net, decides to take the "hide in the bushes right next to the flag he's defending" approach seems to not work as well as expected. Those of us that got eliminated (even Mikey who got knocked out from a self inflicted leg shot) stand off to the side near Shane and the flag to witness the cat & mouse strategy between him and Knipper. The friends of Haynes that we thought highly of at first turned out to be premature. As one decided to charge and fire shots into the already "dead" group of us and the ref, not thinking that 10 people all standing together was obviously not a threat. Knipper does accomplish the mission of capturing the flag with a last second dive as Bast shoots frantically without a hit...or rather does hit Knipp several times AFTER the flag is captured.

One of the best parts was when Mark makes a strategic move to ambush a surprised Knipper and goes for the kill shot. Knipper raises his hands to announce "dead" when Mark sees Brendan pop out from behind Knipper. As Mark panics (closes his eyes & covers his nuts) he proceeds to open fire into the two of them and hits the "dead" Knipper again. He apologizes for the illegal act asking for forgiveness stating that he didn't mean to shoot again. However, in typical "Geico Caveman Riding the Zamboni" fashion, Nate is called over as the primary witness and says "I saw Mark run straight at Knipper the second time and I'm pretty sure he yelled your gonna die twice!"

Steven (a student at Drake that works for Mark) gets invited and Mark states that he's annoying at work so what better way to "teach him a lesson" than bring him to an Alien Event. Steven decides to bring along his girlfriend, Jennifer, at which point Brendan whispers "easy kill". Turns out these 2 ringers were picking off their opponents like Bonnie & Clyde. Although they came as a couple, they left in separate cars. During one of the last few battles, my kid Nicholas & Jennifer were asked to captain teams. Thinking Jennifer would go with the obvious choice of choosing her soul-mate, she goes after already spoken for, self proclaimed "Rambo" named Mikey. Although not a first round pick, Bast goes relative early to Team Nicholas, which he realizes later was not a wise choice. Adam Lowell gets picked to play on team Jennifer...wait....my mistake, Lowell decided to not make this event due to the recommendation of his gynaecologist.

Through all the welts, mud, team changes & rule violations, everyone left with a smile on their face. Some parting thoughts on some things we learned this weekend and some things we already knew.

• Knipper bruises easily
• Bast cannot hide behind a 1' wide tube
• Joe hates Nate for shooting him in the hand
• Jennifer was the only girl, but Haynes screams like one
• Mikey doesn't understand that you NEED co2 to shoot
• Bishop will be investing in his own gun, better quality paint and lessons
• The Canadian military called and said they don't want Brendan
• Nicholas learned to not listen when told to go 4 against 1 and he's the 1.
• Johnson didn't appreciate getting shot in the butt
• Steven dislikes Mark now even more

Some of the above was TOTALLY true while other items were completely fabricated...you should have been there to know the truth!