Predicts in da hizzy

In your best rap attempt, sing the predictions for the week....

Alien and Red Alert will playz da early game, Red Alert will lose, o what a shame. Hansen got a sharpen, Dobbie will be harpin' and West will be barkin'.

Alien opens up with 2 goals from Brand, he lead the league in water, on ice and on land. Dylo, Houlie and a little guy named Lowell, will make Red Alert swim the toilet bowl.....yeahhhhh boyyyeeee.

The score will be 5-1 with Kuzy in Alien's net, and all Red Alert will show is how the bed they wet.....ohhh shnappppparooni dawg.

Middle game pits Irwins against the 1 and 0 Voodoo, but a spoil is a comin' with a Jon Recharoo. He will score twice for Irwins, with an assist or 2 to boot, making Voodoo and Whitakers crew llook like a bowl of fruit...

Kacy had stood on his head during week 1 being a star, but remember you have Harrelson on your team and the only shot he can take is standing at the bar....booyaaa.

Irwins tallies 6 goals to Voodoos only 1, with Stember's hat trick in the books, Voodoo will be done.

Late night games require some 5 hour energy drinks, which stinks and me thinks that Hawgs will be all up in the rinks. Sindelar will be sinister for Hawgs while Natale lights the lamps, and Hawgs once again shows kryptons, that Hawgs repeat as champs. Johnson of Cup says, hey y'all, we'll be fine...have you seen our new guy? His name is Mitchy Stein. Steiny scores 2 goals but its no where near enough, to beat the team that seems to have all the right stuff. Green & Gugat hold hands together as they cry, as Hawgs win this game 5-2 my, oh my, oh my.

So there you have it week 2, is not weak too, so bring the kids, the wife and maybe even a knife to cut the tension in suspension with all of us tonight.

Peace out and word to your brother's sister's mother's uncle's friend........holla.

Is a Repeat In Sight?

It's been a glorious summer for the Champion Puck Hawgs Team. The sweet taste of victory still lingers on their tongue after a grueling 33 week season that culminated in an epic win against defending champs, Cup O Kryptonite.

A summer that included countless interviews on PBS, a visit to the President of the Elks club's home, each player getting a day with the cup and even a documentary made about the miraculous journey. These players have enjoyed their time off and relished in the glory that they hope to revisit.

The problem is that this will not happen in the upcoming season. Sure they made some great off season acquisitions with Chad Beyer & Dave Natale, but this will not be enough to carry them to the promised land in back to back years.

"The problem was our guys didn't know how to handle the victory. We over-celebrated" stated captain Dave Gannon. "We had guys that worried more about their popularity and publicity than about their training and readiness for next season."

Guys like Adam Krultz, who led his team with gritty play and a sheer will to win, decided to do other things in the off-season deemed more important. Krultz entered the Hot Dog Eating Championships and came in a disappointing 7th place with 53 dogs in 10 minutes.

Then you have Lisa Schumacher, who led her D League Team to victory the year prior, moves up to the C League, and rolls over the competition through the regular season and playoffs only to spend her time helping Obama campaign for re-election. "She gave me her magic stick and said it's better than Harry Potter's wand" exclaimed Obama at every rally he attended. "She dominated the coffee loving fools of Kryptonite with this stick as I will dominate the Republicans in the upcoming election".


The family trio of the LePeras made fools of all those that skated against them. This inseparable group rode together, played together and even rotated one jock between them during a game. Now that the championship was behind them, they took their talents to Broadway and landed roles in the musical "A Soldier I Am". As they memorized their lines and pounded their shielded chests, you could feel their hockey skills fading fast.

Although the team had many strengths and role players, nobody held the team together like Nataliya. "She was was the peanut butter in our jelly, the lime in our Corona, the caffeine in our 5-hour energy drink", proclaimed teammate Mike Bartak. If there was a stable force on the team that would not let the glamour of winning take over, it would be Nataliya. This however was not the case as she landed a modeling gig overseas from June-August showcasing some of this years worst ever designs.

In the end, a team needs focus, determination and a will to win if they want to repeat as champions. The Hawgs have shown that a lack of exercise, discipline and a really ugly dress can make that all go away in a hurry. It's too bad this team will not even be .500 this year, and the sad part is, Obama won't get re-elected even after all their hard work.

Pre-Season Draft Analysis 2011-12

As another ABC Hockey League Season is on the horizon, many players get prepared to start playing again. Dusting off helmets, sharpening skates & washing the cat urine out of their goalie

equipment are a few things happening to prepare for the season.

There is a select few that not only play the sport each Wednesday, but also compete on an intellectual level as well. They take this league very seriously and take it to another level. These are Fantasy C League Players. Yes, they get together before the season starts and draft their fantasy teams from the ever growing pool of untalented, beer drinking, ex-bowler hockey players. It is for this reason alone that I put together a pre-season player evaluation. A short descriptive list that analyzes each player's strengths, weaknesses or lack of talent. It is this list that becomes a guide for the few that hope to assemble the most elite team of misfits that ever played the game we call C League Hockey. So here you have it.....

Aaron Clutts - The only way this guy will make the top of any list is because of his first name. 6th round choice at best

Adam Keller -The best pick of all the Adam's. Strong left-winger and drives a big truck

Adam Krultz - If your team needs a non-defensive cherry picker, you can't go wrong here

Adam Lowell - Choose him and hope you don't have a split second need for a guy to jump the boards

Adam Schnieders - Worst of all the Adam's. D League ran out of space, needed to move up.

Andrew Lee - Great 3 on 3 player, 3rd line center at best in a full game situation.

Andrew Mellein - Solid reputation in pick up games. Throw in a ref, score & rules....lost cause

Ben Griswell - If he stays healthy, loses 40 pounds and learns to skate...maybe a 2nd round pick

Ben Hudson - Transitioned from goalie to player. Didn't need to skate as much in net. average defender at best

Ben Paoli - If you're looking for speed, power, finesse & a scorer's touch...look elsewhere

Ben Truetken - Goalie - Probable top pick with the talent that's out there

Bill Goodman - If they only put skate blades on bicycles. 4th rounder, trade away for pick next year

Bishop/ Topliff - Pick one, get both. Or pass on them and hope someone else gets stuck with 'em

Brad Dean - His stats from the 7 leagues he plays in don't count for this league. Tired by the time Wed rolls around

Brendan McCallum - Most overrated defender in ABC league...but he wears a mean clearance t-shirt

Brent Hanke - Nicknamed "Hanke-r-chief" for all the crying he does when someone steals the puck from him

Brett Damos - hasn't played in 19 years and still uses double runners. Choose him and it's a long season

Brian Gugat - No fantasy points given for missed games. Choose him for many goose eggs throughout the season

Caleb Harrelson - Style points given for roller hockey pants. Should be available in 7th round

Chad Beyer - Gritty defenseman...when playing NHL 2k8. 5th rounder

Chris Hansen - "why are you sitting on that chair in your underwear with a bowl of jell-o and a bottle of Jack Daniels?"

Chris Hill/Paul Knight - This dynamic duo is good for a few points...if beer drinking was a category

Chris LeFleur - don't let the name fool you. He's not that good. 3rd round at best

Dan Hickey - after 4 reconstructive knee surgeries in one month last season, should be good to go. 1st round pick

Dan Hoy - 1st name 3 letters, last name 3 letters, 3rd round pick...can't go wrong here

Dan Koenig - Need a tattoo? Pick Dan. Need a good hockey player? Don't pick Dan.

Dane Maxwell - What a show -off. All flash, no passing ability. If you want Deion Sanders, take Dane

Dave Chongo - 1st line RW. Mad Skills & team player. 1st rounder.

Dave Gannon - Read above. Now think opposite.

Dave Green - Last name describes him best. He's all about the contract, not the stats.

Dave Miller - Meet him in the parking lot...Grizzly Bear. Meet him on the ice...teddy bear.

Dave Natale - Released last week from prison just in time to join ABC league. Penalty minute points will carry your team

Dave Swift - "Swift?"...not so much. 7th rounder

David Ross - Great locker room guy. Buys beer for everyone. Good for team spirit. 2nd rounder

David Stember - Solid centerman. Glass jaw. One punch...he's down.

Don "Doc" Mudge - "Doc"....of what? Do they give a PhD in lazy skating?

Dustin Gordon - More like "Flash Gordon"...breakaway speed good for many points. 2nd rounder

Dusty Beenen - Although not very good, plays 10 minute shifts so bound to get points.

Jason Wolf - Could be most over-rated player in C League. Save your pick and pass on this one

Javi Rodriguez - newcomer needs to prove that he belongs in C league. Contract year, grab him early.

Jeremy Knipper - He wont score a ton of goals, but he will carry your keys and wallet to bench

Jim Goeke - Great players to add. Plays out and can also go in net. mediocre at both, but a good pick regardless

Joe Bafia - As if the top defenseman even needs to be reviewed. A League was full this year...again.

Jon Rech - They don't call him Jon "The Train" Rech for nothing. Great enforcer to add in 2nd round.

Josh Feathers - Gets many points, many wins, wait, this isn't Kubb. 8th rounder.

Justin West - what? he's back for another season. If you want a 19 year C League vet, take him.

Kacy Reeves - Goalie good for 18 wins this season...i mean whines. draft him as a 3rd string back up

Kuzynowski / Nissen - Goalie duo. If they played together in net at the same time, MAYBE they's make a save.

Larry LePera - Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Good 2nd rounder.

Laura Stein - IR - Even though she's on the IR, she will still score more points than Matty J.

Lisa Schumacher - Captains a D League Championship team, on a C League Championship Team, consistent ...1st rounder

Marc LePera - Wishes he could play like dad...always in the shadow. 4th round at best

Mark Dylo - Could this be the year this Dylo shines? nope. 5th round.

Mark Loverude - He can land a plane, but can't land a pass. 6th round

Mark Ramsey - Another newcomer. Take a chance, draft in 3rd. Then you can trade him for a 6 pack if he doesn't pan out.

Mark Scholz - Every year ranks high, every year a bust. Sad career. 6th round

Martinson/Cashman - Here may be a dark-horse duo to grab. Although no significant skills, could be a gamble worth taking in 3rd round

Matt Johnson - Why do we even put him on the list. If he's still available by round 15, take him for entertainment value

Matt Whitaker - I guess the Matts don't fall far from each other. Which Matt will get picked last this year?

Max Blend - Goalie - Very intelligent, level headed & consistent. Not what you want from your goalie. Late 9th round

Mike Bartak - Says he models his game after Toews and Kane. Maybe when they're sleeping. Late 6th round

Mike Beede - Need a beer drinking pal? Not much for fantasy points, but great entertainment.

Mike Dylo - Getting married this fall. Pick him up 1st round then get ready to trade him mid-october

Mike Fascian - At 6'-10", he's a force....to be drafted in round 9.

Mike Pedersen - This guys skating is like Bobby Orr...if Bobby Orr was wearing Pedersen's jersey

Mitch Stein - Another Stein? Likely go on IR after week 6 to join the family

Monty Brown - He'll pass you, score on you and then sue you for looking silly. Good 3rd rounder.

Nataliya Dudechenko - Furry gloves, make up on, french sewn jersey. If looks were worth points, she'd clean up, but they're not....7th round

Nate Brand - He can do backward crossovers while skating forward. Most interesting man in C league. 1st rounder.

Nick Giunta - His +/- is best in league. grab him early and trade for a goalie.

Nick Hrabak - Likes puppies, dark chocolate & the movie Bambi. Should be available in 4th round

Nick Radcliff - Medical reports show that drinking a 64 oz mug of 5-hour energy before a game is not good. Draft him with caution.

Nick Worth - Good for 2-3 goals per game and another 2-3 assists. consistent and another Top player in league. draft early.

Pat Houlihan - He can skate circles around himself. Not really around anyone else. 5th round.

Paul Adams - Youngster who thinks he knows it all. Rude awakening coming. 8th round

Paul Curran - After helping Obama win the presidency, Curran ready to be a hockey player again. 2nd rounder.

Pete Anthan - Wild card. Could be good, could be great...could make you cry and stay up late.

Rich Cohan - Cooks a mean pork chop...not much of a fore-checker. 6th round

Rich Hrabak - Stock is rising since he trained this summer in Sweden. 3rd round

Rich Hyuck - Worst "Rich" of the 3 available. No caffeine? What's wrong with you?

Rick Radcliff - Great locker room presence, bench presence, but not ice presence. Keep him on your bench if you grab him

Rob Wheeler - Fastest guy in C League....to the lounge after game. 5th round.

Rod Bragg - Last name says it all. All Bragg, no brawn.

Ryan LePera - Another LePera? If he was only 1/2 as good as his brother. 9th round.

Scott Anderson G - Headcase, crazy, obnoxious & mean-spirited. That's who I want in net. 1st rounder.

Scott Jacobson - LeFleur brought him into league...and will wish he never did. 9th round.

Scott Kundel - Don't let his lack of speed and finesse fool you. he will make goals on accident. 2nd round.

Shaun Greene - A force to be reckoned with. Led all forwards in African Hockey League last season. 2nd rounder.

Shon McDonough - Had to customize 2 bobsleds to get him skates that fit. dangerous! 2nd rounder

Terry Sindelar - Coming out of retirement to prove to himself that he should have stayed retired. 5th round (at best)

Tim Close - After his 16th attempt this year of trying out for NHL, he is back again to dominate C league. 1st rounder.

Todd Bentzen - If you think the cage on his helmet is scary, you should see his face. 3rd rounder.

Tom Kirvin - Tom "The Bomb". ...as in his draft ranking....9th round pick

Tony Hansen - Here is a goalie who thinks he is a player who thinks he should be a goalie who really isn't that good at either. 6th round

Tony Toigo - If this was a fantasy baseball draft, you'd still go in the 8th round.

Tyler Wallace - Dominated Summer Scramble. Crack under the pressure of real games. 5th round.

Will Koch - Last but not least...well maybe last on this ranking as well...just ahead of Johnson & Whitaker though.

There you have it. Free of charge as always with no thanks needed. I create these rankings to help those who dedicate their life to fantasy sports since reality is a scary place for them.