What's Actually Guaranteed in Life?

There are only 3 things guaranteed to happen this year.
1) You'll have to pay taxes
2) The Blackhawks will repeat as Stanley Cup champs (duh...)
3) My picks will always be dead on

With that, let's roll to the game predictions for Week #3.

Victors Vs. Rink Rats

Boom.  Enough said.  Victors 2, Rats 0.

Voodoo Vs. Kryptonite

Kryptonite starts the season off a disappointing 0-2.  Goalie Anderson struggling right out the gate this year and seems to be modeling his play after his idol, Bear QB Jay Cutler.  Now that Cutler is out with a groin injury, the Cup teams wishes Anderson would follow suit.  Knight and Kundel of Kryptonite have an internal feud going and can't agree on who is the better right winger.  Then they have Gugat and Miller unable to agree on what they should be drinking as a team after the game.  Gugat wants Zima while Miller pushes for an old fashioned Bartles and Jaymes.  On the flipside, the Voodoo team is starting to gel.  You've got Mudge and Brown leading a pre-game cheer while Giunta and Cohan fight for the title of "most improved player" after their disgusting performance last season. Dan Koenig has created a "MVV" Award for the "Most Valuable Voodoo" and each week's winner will get a free custom built bike and their choice of a neck tattoo. The team has also unified together to support Brett Damos' new business start-up.  He's been making "Voodoo Chips" in his basement and hopes to be selling them in stores soon.  "I've got a few solid leads from stores that want to carry my chips" proclaimed a confident Damos.  "I think we've got Beach Girls, O'Reilly's Auto Parts and the neighborhood elementary school on board to buy a few bags".  This type of team bonding leads me to choose them over Cup O' Kryptonite in this week's match up.  Voodoo 5, Cup 2.


Alien Vs. Puckheads

After being outscored 19-4, the Alien crew is looking for something...some spark, some sort of ignition switch to get this engine running.  This spark plug may be in the form of newcomer Scott Jacobson. Scott comes to Alien via Red Alert.  He was drafted in 2012 by Red Alert in the 6th round and they were hoping for a utility player but nothing more.  "I needed more than that" said Scott. "I led my Peewee team to the Semi-finals back in the day and everyone looked at me as a leader."  It's this type of winning experience Alien is thirsting for.  Brand & Knipper of Alien have such heavy loaded long term contracts that there was not anything left to compensate Scott.  After much negotiation, he offered to pay the team $4,500, the first 4 weeks of complimentary beverages after the game and would do the team's laundry.  Alien accepted and the rest is history.   With the Puckheads, a 1-1 start to the season is a breath of fresh air.  Newcomers like Richardson, Whipple and Devera bring something to this team that they've never had.....talent.  You can make a case that Hickey, Smiley and Hunt had some offense last season, but that still got them a last place finish in their conference last season.  Team captain Pierce knows that his role is to make last season's "has beens" mesh with this year's talent.  So far, mission accomplished.  With guys like James Chung and John "Decaf" Coffie holding the team together, this season will be much different than the last.  Puckheads 6, Alien 3.

Forklifts of Des Moines/Kyles Bikes Vs. Red Alert

We need to refer to the last game of the night as the Marquee Match Up.  These games are the important ones since nobody knows what to expect in regards to attendance or the state of mind of the players, yet these games count the same in the standings.  FDM/KB has generated 19 goals in 2 games thus far.  That's more than Rink Rats had all last season.  William Jackson leads the team with 5 goals, while goalie Goeke has only allowed 2 goals in both of these games (to which he still says were not his fault and blames his defensemen Lasnek for both).  However, none of this has happened in the late game.  Players like Roskilly, Seebeck & Hansen are all in bed by 10 PM.  The Hrabak boys start their drinking at 9:45 PM, so by game time, they'll be luck to tie their laces.  Mellein has already told Captain Goodman to text him game updates while Wahlert and the Radcliffs will be watching the Cardinals/Red Sox World Series game.  I'd say Goeke would be thankful if Lasnek shows just to have a body on the ice, but we all know that will hurt them more than help.  The Red Alert team has a different approach.  Most of their players work for Dusty Beenen's business.  He owns a Guinea Pig ranch just outside of Waukee and the majority of his teammates are his employees.  "Most of the guys are just wranglers" described Beenen.  "Their job is to round up the pigs if they start to stray."  Experienced Wrangler and star forward Shaun Greene loves the ranch.  He starts his day at 4 AM getting food and water for the GPs (that's what they call the guinea pigs on the ranch) and by the time 9 PM rolls around, he's ready for a hockey break.  Brett Swanson and Chris Schroeder share grooming duties.  Brett's a 17 year professional Guinea Pig groomer and has worked at some of the most famous GP Ranches in LA.  You may think Schroeder is a defensive specialist on the ice, but his real calling is pedicures for the furry friends.  He can trim about 4 GPs an hour....5 if he's really pushing.  It's the early games that get these guys since Beenen wants them all to finish their chores prior to playing, so the late game he looks forward to.  Attendance wins this one with Red Alert 8, FDM/KB 4.